The Unholy See

The Red Shoes

2011-04-10T02:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I spent the weekend at my in-laws' place, and Sunday afternoon we sat on sofas and watched old movies, one of which was The Red Shoes. I decided to blog about it mainly because my last post was about Black Swan and how rubbish it was, and The Red Shoes sort of seems to be the film that Black Swan wanted to be. In The Red Shoes you actually get a sense of the dancer's descent into madness. It's beautiful, dark and twisted, like all the best things in life...

At certain points you're left wondering whether the things happening in the film are actually happening, or just occurring in the protagonist's mind. When she dances with a man who turns into a piece of newspaper, you're left wondering whether she's actually dancing through the streets, or in rehearsals, or on stage. It's really obvious throughout the movie that her mind is slipping and she's becoming obsessed with the dance.

Part of the reason why it works so well is that there's a heavier focus on the actual dancing: Moira Shearer is a dancer as well as an actress, which means that all the dancing shots don't have to be taken from the neck down. Shearer can also act. She's got the crazy stare down, which Portman couldn't quite hit in Black Swan.

If you've been thinking about going to see Black Swan, find this instead. It's a million times better.

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Black Swan

2011-04-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

I had heard so many great things about this movie that I felt like I had to go and see it. My friends, my colleagues, critics whose reviews I read were all raving about it. Apparently, it was a deep, dark, suspenseful movie about a dancer's descent into madness. Sounds like just my cup of tea.

Well. I must have been watching a different film, because the one I saw was full of wooden acting, had a plot that verged into the ridiculous, and was basically completely unbelievable. About half the cinema left during the first thirty minutes.

Portman was Keanu-esque in her total lack of emotion. The plot was weak and shallow. I took nothing away from the film other than a sense of having lost a couple of hours.

And then I went to my in-laws' place at the weekend and watched The Red Shoes, and I thought, yes. Now there's a film about a dancer getting a bit obsessed and feeling like she's going crazy. Black Swan really didn't pull it off. Utterly awful. Don't waste your time or your money on it.

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True Grit

2011-04-03T11:21:00.000-07:00

This movie works because it has a sense of humour. A young girl whose father has been killed sets out to avenge his death, leaving her mother and sibling behind in a search for vengeance. She teams up with two of the best bounty hunters she can find - both of whom reluctantly agree to help her - and eventually comes across her father's killer.

It's a beautiful story told with humour and empathy. Definitely recommended.

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The Secret of Kells

2011-01-09T07:14:00.000-08:00

This was recommended to me, and at the time I was sceptical about it for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tend not to be a huge fan of animated movies, and secondly, it seemed like it might be a bit saccharine and full of hippy-child-magic. However, I thought I'd give it a go, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was lovely.

Brendan is the nephew of an abbot, who is building a huge wall around his remote town to keep out the raiders who are travelling through the country, killing people and ransacking towns. A master illuminator arrives as a refugee, along with this pet cat Pangur Ban. He brings with him an ancient book of wisdom, as yet unfinished, and enlists Brendon's help in completing it. However, in order for the book to be finished, Brendon has to journey into the forbidden forest outside to find the right kind of berries to make ink. Once there, he meets the mysterious Aisling, who helps him on his way.

The relationships between characters are beautiful and simple. The only thing I didn't like about the film was the stereotypical nature of the background characters, who all seemed to be like caricatures of their races. Other than that, it was a charming film, definitely worth watching, even if you're not usually a fan of that kind of thing.

Here's the trailer:

Dandelion Mind

2011-01-09T07:11:00.001-08:00

I love Bill Bailey, and his latest show is no exception. My colleague went to see it, and said it was awesome live as well. My favourite of Bailey's DVDs remains Part Troll, but Dandelion Mind will give you an evening of laughter, so definitely worth watching.

Arn: The Knight Templar

2011-01-09T07:03:00.000-08:00

This was a weird film. It's in Swedish with English subtitles, though there are bits of various other languages spoken throughout the film as well. I got a bit confused that the characters seemed to be able to speak Swedish, French and English, but were fighting for Norway. Having said that, I know pretty much nothing about the history of that whole area, so perhaps I'm just manifesting my ignorance.

Arn, the son of a farmer, is sent to spend his childhood in a monastery. He's educated there and catches the attention of a monk who is also a great fighter, and who teaches Arn how to fight. Fast forward a few years, and Arn leaves the monastery and falls in love with a girl he's not allowed to have. He's sent away to do penance as a knight templar in the Holy Land. The girl, who is also in love with him, is sent to a cloister for twenty years as her punishment. Whilst in the cloister, she befriends the future queen, and when the latter is finally released, they stay in touch.

I won't give away the ending; it's sort of worth watching for the novelty value, but I wouldn't go out of my way to find it. One of the main problems was that I found myself rooting for Saladin purely because the guy who played him was damn hot, and also because I just have more sympathy for anyone who wasn't the Christians in the crusades.

Arn, on the other hand, looks at times like Matt Damon and at other times like Ewan McGregor, and spends the first part of the film seeming quite slow and dim-witted, which doesn't inspire much confidence in his hopes as a future knight.

Hmm. Odd.

Skull Heads

2011-01-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

This looks absolutely terrible, but somehow still quite tempting:

The Last Exorcism

2011-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't like this movie when it first started playing. It's made in a documentary style; young preacher guy has spent his life as a trained exorcist, loses faith, wants to show that actually the whole exorcism malarkey is a load of bullshit. He takes a camera crew on the road and goes to perform his final exorcism.

Down a long dirt track at a creepy farm in the middle of nowhere (of course), he finds a strange teenage girl (of course), and proceeds to perform his exorcism. The unusual part at this point is that he shows the cameras how he's setting it up: taped 'demon noises' that he plays at opportune moments, bits of invisible string that he uses to jerk pictures and bedframes around, and so on. He performs his exorcism, gets paid and leaves with his crew. But all is not quite as it seems...

Needless to say, the girl's behaviour doesn't get any better, and the reverend soon finds himself back at creepy central with his crew. As exorcism movies go, it's actually pretty good at ranking up the tension, and whilst the ending isn't the most surprising thing I've seen, it's quite disturbing.

Everything you could want from an exorcism movie. Better than The Exorcist, possibly as good as The Exorcism of Emily Rose.

The Expendables

2011-01-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows I love a good action movie. By which I mean a movie in which people get blown up and cars chase each other. The Expendables delivers on both criteria and has a sterling cast: Sly Stallone, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Gary Daniels, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jason Statham and Steve Austin, among others.

There's not much of a plot - they're hired to overthrow a dictator, find a pretty girl along the way who happens to be his daughter, and spend the film shooting things and running up and down. If you like action movies and you're not too worried about storylines, you'll love it. I thought it was great. If you want a plotline, go somewhere else.

The Narnia Movies

2010-12-29T09:19:00.000-08:00

I watched a couple of them at the weekend, slumped on my in-laws' sofa with a glass or six of homemade wine. Husband didn't much like the films. I didn't mind them. They didn't murder Narnia the way The Golden Compass (unaffectionately known in our house as 'The Golden Shitfuck') murdered His Dark Materials.

The main thing I noticed was that all the characters looked remarkably similar. There was a lack of blonde people, black people, Asian people... any people without mousy brown hair and white skin, in fact. I found it a bit disconcerting. It also seemed to overly push the Christian angle. Sure, if you read the books, you realise pretty quickly that Aslan is a god/Jesus figure, but I felt during the film like I was lying spread-eagled on the table of Aslan having a Bible shoved down my throat.

All in all: the films were OK. Relatively interesting. I didn't want to kill myself. But I'd rather read the books.

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Labyrinth with Sock Puppets

2010-12-27T02:41:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman:

Machete

2010-10-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ohhh yes. This film is totally awesome. It gave me probably one of the most satisfying movie-viewing experiences I have ever had. If you are a fan of any of the following, you must see it. It will rock your world:

- Hot girls with very little clothing, toting large guns, wearing eye patches and shooting people
- Hot guys with very little clothing, toting large knives, wearing leather and stabbing people
- Fast cars chasing each other across sandy patches of desert
- Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba or Michelle Rodriguez (or indeed, Lindsay Lohan, if you're not ashamed to admit it)
- Priests going slightly insane and suddenly shooting people

Seriously, dudes. It's awesome. Go see it as soon as you can. Here's the trailer:

Alice In Wonderland

2010-10-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

As is the case with many people, I like Tim Burton. I like Helena Bonham-Carter, and I love Johnny Depp. I don't mind Anne Hathaway. Unfortunately, this particular film also features Matt Lucas - two of him, no less - but luckily, he's not around so much.

Anyway, last night Husband and I settled down with some pizza and watched Alice In Wonderland. The verdict? Hmm. He liked it, I thought it was alright. I found it difficult to understand what the characters were saying a lot of the time. I found much of it overacted, and a bit too... well, childish, I suppose. Considering that it's a children's film, I shouldn't really have been surprised, but at the moment I feel like every new Burton movie I see is a little bit more of a disappointment than the last one. Sure, it could have been worse; I don't feel like I've lost an evening of my life, or anything. But I wouldn't go out of my way to see it again.

Desperado

2010-09-28T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, another movie I meant to watch a long time ago, which Husband finally introduced me to a few days ago. "It has Johnny Depp in it, right?" I asked, just before he pressed 'play'. "No," he replied, and then the credits rolled and Antonio Banderas' name flashed up, and I said "Ah, yes, I knew it was someone immensely hot."

Seriously, it's worth watching just for the beautiful people running around. Antonio Banderas for those who like looking at beautiful men, and Salma Hayek for those who like looking at beautiful ladies. What could be better?

Of course, awesome action, etc. etc. But the pretties. Watch it for the pretties.

Last of the Dogmen

2010-07-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

I watched this film years ago, and at the time it seemed like one of the best films I'd ever seen. The other day, I was reminded of it, and so managed to locate it and watch it with Husband. It's still a very good film, though I'm not sure I'd put it up there with my top five.

Drunken bounty hunter who still feels terrible for not being able to save his wife when she drowned treks off into the mountains for one final adventure. While there, he sees things he can't explain, and finds that the people he is hunting have been killed. He enlists the help of a (sexy, female) professor, and the inevitable romantic subplot occurs.

It is quite a lovely film.

Buffalo Racing, Anyone?

2010-06-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

Remember the post about thrilling movie cars a while ago? That was in aid of Mazda's thrillseeking campaign, and they're following up with this rather exciting (read 'terrifying') idea: buffalo racing. No, it's not just a case of racing buffalo against each other. That would be far too easy. It's not a competition to see who can say the crazy buffalo sentence the fastest. What is the crazy buffalo sentence? Well (let your inner nerd roam free for a minute), it's an example used by linguists to show how you can construct a sentence using the same word eight times, with no other words at all. The sentence? Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Need an explanation? Wikipedia, land of useless knowledge, gives you a far better breakdown than I could. But I digress... Buffalo buffalo being buffaloed is not the aim of Mazda's thrillseekers. Instead, they hop on the back of a couple of buffalo (who just happen to be in the middle of a stampeding herd), and race them across the plains. Look:

Terrifying, no? Definitely thrilling.

Spirited Away

2010-06-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

So we started to watch Spirited Away last night, but we had to stop because the child was so annoying. I'd heard so many good things about this movie (as had Husband), but neither of us has much patience/sympathy for children, and the screaming, whining little brat didn't exactly inspire confidence in a positive movie experience, so we gave up and sat down with books instead. I have a feeling she might have been less annoying in the original Japanese, but I'm not sure. If you don't mind children whinging at you, go ahead and watch it!

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Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

2010-06-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

As can be expected of anything with three exclamation marks in the title, this was a strange film. The blurb told us it was about three female drag racers who get themselves caught up in a murder scene; actually, it was more like barely-disguised porn, but quite amusing all the same.

Three women prancing around with not much on, rolling around in the sand catfighting, then driving their cars very very fast through the desert, meet a fourth woman with her boyfriend. (I say 'woman'; the fourth one looks about twelve.) The boyfriend is killed by one of the driving women, who then kidnap the girl and roar off across the desert, eventually stumbling upon a dirty old man who lives with his two sons: one who has the mental age of a small child but is incredibly strong, the other less hunky but more intelligent. Inevitably all sorts of exciting things happen, lots of people end up dead and it all comes to a strange and relatively unsatisfying conclusion.

As plotlines go, it's not the best. It's a really strange film, but I'd almost recommend it, just because it's probably one of those things you should see at some point, if only for a bit of a laugh.

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The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari

2010-06-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

This is one of those films I've been meaning to watch for ages, and it was worth it, even if the particular translation we watched was a bit strange (German translated into English with Spanish subtitles). It's a silent film, and all the better for it; you can really see where many areas of rock cabaret drew their inspiration, or perhaps I just see rock cabaret everywhere.

It's quite beautiful, and all the more lovely because the set designers didn't try to pretend that the set was real. In an age of constant CGI, it was nice to see sets that were blatantly made of cardboard, and none the worse off for it.

Ideal for anyone who likes old movies, thrillers, surrealism, rock cabaret or strange doctors with a penchant for sleepwalkers.

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Practical Magic

2010-06-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Practical Magic, unlike The Craft which I blogged about earlier, was really quite irritating. I nearly turned it off in a few places, but ended up watching it all the way through, mainly because I was lying in bed and couldn’t be bothered to move, and also because Sandra Bullock before her hair was straightened and her nose seemed to become thinner was rather beautiful.

I think the thing that most annoyed me about this one was that it had such potential. It could have been a really beautiful movie about a group of people who believe they are cursed and end up finding the power to combat it; it could have drawn parallels with the struggles of many, and vast groups of people could have related to it. Instead, it focused on some over-exaggeratedly insane witchy spinster aunts raising two girls who both turned out a bit strange, there was very little room for the character relationships to actually be explored, and the whole thing came to a very unconvincing and ridiculous climax.

I got the feeling that the production team hadn’t quite decided what kind of movie they wanted to make: a film about the rise of the underdog, about witchcraft, about family, about zombies, a love film... it could have been any or all of those things, but instead it was essentially none of them. Or bits of them, done badly. Hmmm.

Anyway, if you’re looking for movies about witches, do yourself a favour and watch The Craft instead of this one, unless you’re just desperate for some Bullock/Kidman scenes.

The Craft

2010-06-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

The Craft is one of my favourite movies of all time. Yes, I know it’s a bit stupid, I know it’s about teenage girls messing around with magic, I know it is in part (large part) unrealistic, but I love it all the same. I think it’s beautiful and quite truthful for a film about teen witches. It feels somehow less simpering than a lot of other movies on similar themes, and I also appreciate the darker aspect of it. So many films about magic – especially about people experiencing their first forays into the magical world – will take one of two paths: either they will present the whole thing as wonderfully fun and exciting, in which people run around playing silly tricks and giggling, or they’ll present it all as something dark, evil and related to the Christian devil; which, considering that witchcraft in fact is nothing of the sort, is a little irritating to say the least.

The craft is sympathetically presented and doesn’t dress up too much. Admittedly there are cinematic aspects and overexaggerated bits, but after all, it is a film and we can’t really expect it to be anything else. As witch movies go, I’d recommend it.

Top Ten Thrilling Movie Cars

2010-06-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

To celebrate the launch of Mazda's thrillseekers campaign, here's a list of the ten most thrilling cars in movies:

1. The Batmobile. Of course. Unparalleled in sheer amazingness, the Batmobile is every petrolhead's dream

2. ...unless, of course, you like your cars to understand what you're saying, in which case you might prefer Kit from Knight Rider.

3. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Come on, who wouldn't love this car?

4. Or, for that matter, Herbie, who was probably responsible for the extent of the Beetle Boom.

5. Ferris Bueller's car. Classic car, classic movie.

6. The ambulance from Ghostbusters. Fantastic.

7. The A Team van (seen here in model form); not so much because of the van itself, but because it means MR. T IS ON THE WAY, FOOL!

8. Black Moon Rising's Concordia II. Mainly just because I'd love to own a car that looks like this:

9. The Blues Brothers car. Again, just because the film is cool...

10. And, last but certainly not least, the car stars of the original Italian Job:

Jacques d'Azur's Heir Found

2010-06-09T04:31:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I blogged about Stella's competition to win Jacques d'Azur's place at Cannes film festival. The competition and the festival are now over, and some lucky bloggers were able to take Jacques' place in the VIP room, sampling the sights of Cannes and seeing their favourite film stars up close for a few days.

It sounds like it was a fantastic experience, but for those of us who couldn't be there, Stella have put together a video to show what went on:

The Hoax

2010-06-06T01:10:00.000-07:00

The Hoax starts Richard Gere as Clifford Irving, a man with a plan. Along with his friend Dick, he decides to write a book about a reclusive billionaire, pretending to the publishing company that his book is the man's official autobiography. He believes it to be a foolproof plan - the billionaire, Howard Hughes, doesn't speak to anyone and can't take him to court because of a huge case he'll be involved in if he goes near a courtroom.

And so Irving sets out to write his book, and the story begins to unfold. And this is where it's a bit unusual. You know how normally, when you're watching a film, you might start out quite disliking a character, but by the end you want them to succeed, even if they're technically a 'bad guy'? This film went the other way. When it started, I thought it was a pretty cool, if quite amusing, plan; and I wanted to see him pull it off. As it went on, however, Irving was presented as such a general twallop that I didn't want him to succeed. And this reminded me rather a lot of life; when you meet someone and decide to give them the benefit of the doubt, then later realise that actually you probably should have judged them more harshly in the first place.

Anyway, it was quite an interesting film and I certainly don't regret watching it, although towards the end it became quite confusing trying to work out what exactly was going on. If you're a fan of Gere's, watch it. In fact, if you're just looking for something that's quite easily watchable, go for it.

Holy Tango, Praise the Lord!

2010-06-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

...or something like that. Tango, in their usual crazy/brilliant/weird style, have released a bizarre yet compelling video to promote a competition they're running. The video? Well, you can see it for yourself below. All I'm saying is: Boy. Tango. Church. Dancing.

But the important bit: the competition. The prize is one of 10 pairs of tickets to the Underage or Field Day festivals, being headlined by people like MIA, Annie Mac and Hadouken.

Interested? All you need to do is dance like Colin. Who's Colin? The guy in the video. Keep up! Film yourself being possessed by the Holy Spirit of Tango, upload your effort to YouTube, and stick around to watch everyone else dancing too. Couldn't be simpler. Or more embarrassing. But come on, guys! Festival tickets!

Hairspray

2010-04-13T04:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I headed across the country to spend some time with Shop Friend, who I don't see often enough. We hunkered down with cake and chocolate, and proceeded to revisit Hairspray, which we saw for the first time by accident when we had meant to go and see something else.

I had forgotten just how fantastic Hairspray is. It's a heart-warming story which just about walks the line between too cheesy and just freaking great. The songs are catchy, the characters are wonderful and it's definitely one to be watched, preferably on a ladies' weekend in with the accompaniment of chocolate and singing along.

Watch it. Go on... you know you want to.

Evelyn Evelyn: The Docufilm

2010-04-13T02:12:00.000-07:00

Shop Friend and I are going to see this in a couple of weeks. It will be awesome. Amanda Palmer, Jason Webley and Evelyn Evelyn, all in one night. It will almost be too wonderful to bear. Here's a video-taster:

The Informant

2010-04-08T02:52:00.000-07:00

A strange film, marred before we even pressed play by the fact that Matt Damon was in it. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing in particular against the man, it's just that I've watched Team America. And therefore, I find it impossible to look at his name without thinking "Maaaatt Daaammmooooonnn..."

Another reason I nearly didn't bring it home: the exclamation mark in the title. So unnecessary.

The Informant doesn't have a storyline. This is one of the main problems. Having said that, the point of the film is that it doesn't have a storyline. It's essentially (spoiler alert) the story of a compulsive liar; an interesting idea, but one that means you're never sure where the story is heading and which parts of it you're meant to believe.

As an idea, it could have worked. As a reality, it didn't.

The Fourth Kind

2010-04-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

The Fourth Kind was a strange movie. I have a policy with most things; books, movies, conversations; that during the course of the thing taking place, I believe everything that happens in it, otherwise it's no fun. Once it's over, I'll perhaps take a look around and work out whether I actually agree with anything that's been seen, said or read.

I therefore approached The Fourth Kind knowing only what I'd seen in the advert: based on a true story, containing real, never-before-seen footage, etc. And you know what? I nearly believed it. Until the scene where a man shot his wife and children. At that point, I thought, I'm sure it's illegal to show actual footage of people being shot to death like that. Turns out I was right. If it hadn't been for that scene, however, I might have managed to believe in the 'real life footage'. It's a shame.

It was a good film. Relatively gripping. Not too alien-heavy. But ultimately, it suffers from the fact that a couple of the 'real' scenes are too fake. Worth watching if you like horror movies, or aliens, or films that try and fail to deceive you.

Coraline

2010-04-06T00:41:00.000-07:00

The other day, we trekked to the video shop, ostensibly to buy some popcorn. Perusing the popcorn shelves, we were distracted by the wide range of DVDs on offer. "Aha!" I exclaimed at Husband with a flash of genius, "That's their ploy! They sell popcorn, you come in here to buy some popcorn, and while you're here, you see they have this huge stack of DVDs!" Husband looked at me like I'd said something a bit silly.

Anyway, we proceeded to try out their 4-for-£10 offer, which is always difficult as we can rarely find four films we both want to watch. "Megashark vs. Giant Octopus!", I exclaim. "Look! Gory horror!" Husband gives me his long-suffering look. We keep browsing.

A while later, we've picked four films. One of my choices: Coraline. I don't like children's movies. I don't particularly like animated movies, most of the time. But I like Neil Gaiman, I loved the book, I think Dakota Fanning is fantastic, and I've heard such wonderful things about it that I decided it might be worth watching.

It was. Husband seemed to enjoy it more than I did; I found it hard to get past my 'she's an annoying child' thoughts, which tend to be applied to the vast majority of children. Still, the graphics were beautiful, the characters were - in the main part - likeable, and the film was very well put together. I think it's worth watching if you find it in the video shop, but I wouldn't go out and buy it. Having said that, I think it'd be a fantastic kids' movie, and a great sidetrack from all the rubbish out there.

Will You Inherit Jacques d'Azur's Weekend at Cannes?

2010-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

A while ago, I wrote about Jacques d'Azur, the legendary mystery man of the movies. As time goes on, the plot seems to thicken. All we know now is that he's definitely disappeared. The last time anyone heard from him was a while after he set sail in his yacht: radio contact from him consisted of the short message "I have come across an undiscovered island. Amazingly, all the inhabitants are beautiful women." Well, if anyone were going to be stranded on an island with some resident beauties, it'd be Mr. d'Azur, as you can see from the video below, in which those who knew him talk about the man behind the mystery.

Jacques is now presumed dead, and the hunt is on for his heir, who will inherit his weekend at Cannes. Rumour has it that the heir might have little obvious connection to Cannes, or indeed to Jacques himself. Could it be you? You can find out at the competition website, which also contains everything you need to know about this most exciting and unusual of competitions.

In the meantime, why not head over to Jacques' Facebook page and become acquainted with the man whose life - if you're lucky - you might soon be leading?

Antichrist

2010-03-21T23:13:00.000-07:00

Last night we finally watched Antichrist by Lars von Trier. Husband is a big fan of his; I tend not to mind his films; so we decided to give it a go. I'd been warned many, many times, by many different people, that the film was shocking, horrific, awful... etc. Honestly though, it really wasn't. Perhaps I just watch too many horror movies, but for me, the overall feeling I got from the film was boredom.

It begins with the death of a child while his parents are having sex. The opening scene is in black-and-white slow-motion, and the sex is shown in fairly graphic detail. It seems to work, though. It feels like that bit should be slowed down. Fast forward to the future, after her son's death, and the woman is lying in a hospital bed. Her husband enters the room, which is no longer monochromatic, and speaks for the first time. At that point, I thought 'Great. It started off in slow-motion, it's now changed, and him speaking marks the beginning of the rest of the film.' How wrong I was.

So much of the film is in slow motion that I thought I'd accidentally pressed some magic button that slows everything to half-time. But no. It was meant to be that way. I'm sure there was some incredibly complex cinematic/artistic reasoning behind it, but the end result was that I was so bored I forgot to try to give the film a chance. It also left far too much time for commentary: "Ooo, look at that tree." "Well he's good at the pretty shots, but I'm quite bored." "Do you want a cup of tea?"... and so on.

Also, silence. A lot of the scenes were silent, which when used well can have you on the edge of your seat, desperate for some noise, hanging onto the every tiny movement of the actors. But when overused, silence just becomes... well, silent. It helps the film to fade into the background and become boring; and when coupled with the veeeerrrryyyyy sllloooowww bits, it just became mildly ridiculous.

Then, of course, there are the famed mutilation scenes; the ones everyone said were horrible, which had people up in arms about the film ever even having been released. But honestly? They weren't that bad. Yeah, sure, it makes you cringe a bit when she cuts her clitoris and puts a wheel on her husband's leg, but by that point in the film you're so damn bored and so disenchanted with the (rather annoying) characters that you're almost pleased they're finally looking like they might soon die of pain.

People talked about the film having these amazing themes: religion, sex, feminism, female mutilation, psychiatry... but really, it didn't feel like the themes were very well put. For one thing, they were both too obvious and not obvious enough. You could see that there was something to do with religion going on from the film's name, and the fact that it's mainly set in a garden named Eden, but working out any other religious themes is difficult. Possibly that women are supposed to be in subjection to men in many organised religions? I don't know. There was one point at which the (very cold, pretty much emotionless) husband is talking to his wife about women, and she is saying how women are controlled by nature, which is evil, thus women by nature are evil. Her husband argues that she is taking the part of the anti-women groups, the ones she has fought so hard against in her thesis (which is entitled 'Gynocide', probably in reference to her later self-mutilation). As with the cinematic angle, there are many themes that could be said to run through the film, but all of them are simultaneously overdone and not done enough.

Overall: it wasn't great. Pretty devoid of any emotion, the characters were difficult if not impossible to empathise with. I didn't care what happened to either of them. A fast-forward button might have brought the film up to a normal speed, but as it was, it was just quiet, slow and boring. Watch it if you must (it's probably one of those movies you've got to see just so you can say you've seen it), but don't go out of your way.

The Mystery Man of the Movies

2010-03-15T02:58:00.001-07:00

Over the past few days, lots of blogs have been commenting on a man named Jacques d'Azur: a Lothario of many talents, mentioned in my 'strange film-related injuries' post here. But who is he? Speculation is gathering as more and more blog posts appear. No-one's sure what movies he's been in, though everyone knows he's a film star; the only extra information we have about him is gleaned from his Wikipedia page, a screengrab of which can be found on his Facebook fan page. He also has a Flickr account filled with photos showing him gallavanting around the world in the company of beautiful ladies.

He's been mentioned on Popbitch, showing people his glowing example of how to behave at Cannes; and a quick scour of the blogosphere finds features on Been To The Movies, What DVD and Geektown, among others.

So who is this guy, why did he go missing at sea, where is he now, and what is he doing? Only time will tell...

Top 7 Strange Film-Related Injuries

2010-03-12T00:30:00.000-08:00

1. Cast members of 8 Mile - Four people were hurt when filming a controversial scene inside a burning house; one member of the cast received first-degree burns. You'd think you'd have second thoughts about filming inside a burning house, wouldn't you? But no.

2. Robert Pattinson in New Moon - A rogue gust of wind blew a heavy metal sign off its post and towards Pattinson, who was hit and taken to hospital in an ambulance.

3. Eleven extras in Valkyrie - On this film set, the side of a truck fell open as it drove around a corner, injuring eleven people and putting them all in hospital. Makes you wonder how the side of a truck can fall off, doesn't it?

4. Jacques d'Azur on his red carpet debut - He's been in so many films that I'm not sure which one this was for, but Jacques once seriously sprained his wrist after signing 1,000 autographs in one go, meaning that he had to play left-handed in the Cannes Tennis Open Final the following day.

5. Hilary Swank in P.S. I Love You - In a truly unusual accident, Hilary was injured by Gerard Butler's suspenders when he was performing a striptease. One of the suspenders apparently became snagged and hit the unsuspecting actress on the forehead.

6. Anne Hathaway in Get Smart - As she lifted her legs to kick a Russian spy in the chest, they connected with a metal bar that was in the wrong place, and her skin was ripped off, exposing her shin bones. Ouch.

7. Lindsay Lohan on the red carpet - Lindsay tripped and fell on the red carpet outside one of her events in Montreal. Good to know celebs can be clumsy too!

Oliver

2010-03-04T02:43:00.001-08:00

Last night was Friend's hen night, and we went to see Oliver in the West End. I was apprehensive. I'm not a fan of children at the best of times. But it was far better than I thought it would be.

Here are the highlights:

And here's my blow-by-blow account of the characters.

Firstly, the chorus of children. They were absolutely wonderful. There was one boy - not a named part, as far as I could tell - who was acting his socks off, and I really hope he lands a lead role in the very near future. I was really, really impressed - partly just at that number of children managing to be on stage and coordinated - but mainly at the level of professionalism. Obviously, it was a West End show, so you'd expect professionalism. But my expectations were marred by thoughts of terrible primary school plays. The kids rocked.

Oliver himself was the way I was expecting the rest of the children to be: saccharine, annoying and all too obviously a posh, privileged kid trying to act like an orphan. I'm all for people acting parts that don't tell their own life stories - that's what much of theatre's about, after all - but sometimes the gap is just too large. I'm pretty sure the Oliver we saw last night was Ethan Smith; I'd have been interested to see any of the others.

The Artful Dodger stole the show. What a great kid. Seriously. I'm not sure which of the three Dodgers we saw - it was one of the first two, I think - but he was so good. I can't even begin to describe how good. I'm a fan for life. That level of talent at such a young age; I can only hope he goes on to great things.

Mr. Bumble & Mrs. Corney - those essential light characters you have to have in a musical that could otherwise be depressing. Comparable to the Thenardiers in Les Mis, the actors were good but I found the characters themselves annoying, probably because I just don't like people who run workhouses being shown as lovably funny. Still, they played their parts well and got a lot of laughs.

Steven Hartley shone as Bill Sikes. Everything about him fit the part perfectly, and his dog rocked too. He was so good at being bad that he was booed at the end by an enthusiastically clapping audience.

Nancy. Oh, Nancy. She was so very nearly good. Her characterisation was wonderful, she is obviously a very gifted actress. When she hit the few huge notes she needed to hit, her voice swelled and rose throughout the theatre. It was the rest of the time that presented a problem. Her voice could hardly be heard for the majority of the performance; evidently she'd been chosen due to her ability to really blast out the huge notes and act the part convincingly, but the rest of her singing was disappointing. For the record, her dress was beautiful. See?

And finally, Fagin. He was by far the best. Griff Rhys Jones brought everything together to create a complex and lovable character; if the show had been composed only of him sitting on stage alone, I would have happily sat through a three-hour-long performance. I can't praise him highly enough.

If you like Oliver - the story or the musical - go and see it, you won't be disappointed. In fact, even if you don't like it (I'm not a huge fan myself), it's worth going to see it just for Griff Rhys Jones. An altogether entertaining and enjoyable evening.

Latcho Drom

2010-02-24T01:01:00.000-08:00

We watched Latcho Drom last night, with the accompaniment of wine. I'm still unsure what my feelings were, though ultimately it was certainly a good movie. The thoughts I had throughout were short and fractured, and went something like this:

'Oh dear. Husband doesn't speak Romani. Are there subtitles?'
'Oh good, there are.'
'Wait, they've gone. But they're singing. This is nice. I like this music.'
'They're still singing. I don't understand. What's happening?'
'Oh right. They're going to sing through the film. I see.'
'Seriously though, what's going on with the subtitles?'
'Hang on a second, that's not Romani anymore.'

...and so on. The subtitles were strange and sporadically-placed, which made for an interesting journey. Essentially, the film tells the story of the Gypsy people, who left India many centuries ago and have been travelling throughout Eurasia ever since. It is, essentially, a musical, though in calling it that I feel like I'm downgrading it. Once I got into the swing of it, I really enjoyed it, but it'll take a while to fit your brain into the film's structure. Or perhaps I've just watched too many gorjo movies. Definitely recommended though!

TV Shows: Which have you seen?

2010-02-19T15:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't lived in the same house as a television for a number of years now, and in my life I have spent many more years without a TV than with one. So my TV viewing habits are pretty sparse; but then there's YouTube and iPlayer and 4OD and... I make up for it.

Rules:

- Bold all of the following TV shows which you’ve ever seen 3 or more episodes of in your lifetime.

- Italicize a show if you’re positive you’ve seen every episode of it.

- If you love it, *star* it.

7th Heaven

ALF

Alias

American Gothic

America’s Next Top Model

Angel

Arrested Development

Babylon 5

Batman: The Animated Series

Battlestar Galactica (the old one)

Battlestar Galactica (the new one)

Baywatch

Beverly Hills 90210 (original)

Bewitched

Bonanza

Bones

Bosom Buddies

Boston Legal

Boy Meets World

Brothers And Sisters

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Californication

Chappelle’s Show

Charlie’s Angels

Charmed

Cheers

Chuck

Clarissa Explains it All

Columbo

Commander in Chief

Crossing Jordan

CSI

CSI: Miami

CSI: NY

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Dark Angel

Dark Skies

DaVinci’s Inquest

Dawson’s Creek

Dead Like Me

Deadwood

Degrassi: The Next Generation

Designing Women

Desperate Housewives

Dexter – I loved seasons 1 & 2

Dharma & Greg

Different Strokes

Doctor Who

Dragnet

Due South

Everwood

Everybody Loves Raymond

Facts of Life

Family Guy

Farscape

*Fawlty Towers*

Felicity

Firefly

Frasier

Freaks & Geeks

*Friends*

Fringe

Futurama

Get Smart

Gilligan’s Island

Gilmore Girls

Gossip Girl

Grey’s Anatomy

Grange Hill

Growing Pains

Gunsmoke

Happy Days

Hercules: the Legendary Journeys

Heroes

Home Improvement

Homicide: Life on the Street

House

I Dream of Jeannie

I Love Lucy

Invader Zim

Invasion

Hell’s Kitchen

JAG

Jackass

Joey

Kim Possible

Knight Rider

Knight Rider: 2008

Kung Fu

Kung Fu: The Legend Continues

La Femme Nikita

LA Law

Laverne and Shirley

Law and Order

Law and Order: SVU

Law and Order: CI

Leverage

Little House on the Prairie

Lizzie McGuire

Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

Lost

Lost in Space

MASH

MacGyver

Malcolm in the Middle

Married… With Children

McLeod’s Daughters

Melrose Place

Miami Vice

Mission: Impossible

Mod Squad

Monk

Mork & Mindy

Murphy Brown

My Life As A Dog

My Three Sons

My Two Dads

Mythbusters

NCIS

Ned Bigby’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Nip/Tuck

Numb3rs

One Tree Hill

Perry Mason

Power Rangers

Press Gang

Prison Break

Private Practice

Privileged – it got more and more irritating as it went on

Profiler

Project Runway

Psych

Pushing Daisies

Quantum Leap

Queer As Folk (US)

Queer as Folk (UK)

ReGenesis

Remington Steele

Rescue Me

Road Rules

ROME

Roseanne

Roswell

Sanctuary

Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?

Scrubs

Seaquest DSV

Seinfeld

Sex and the City

Six Feet Under

Slings and Arrows

Smallville

So Weird

South of Nowhere

South Park

Spongebob Squarepants

St. Elsewhere

Star Trek

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Star Trek: Voyager

Star Trek: Enterprise

Stargate Atlantis

Stargate SG-1

Starsky & Hutch

Superman

Supernatural

Surface

Survivor

Taxi

Teen Titans

That 70’s Show

That’s So Raven

The 4400

The Addams Family

The Amazing Race

The Andy Griffith Show

The A-Team

The Avengers

The Beverly Hillbillies

The Big Bang Theory

The Brady Bunch

The Cosby Show

The Daily Show

The Dead Zone

The Dick Van Dyke Show

The Flintstones

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

The Golden Girls

The Honeymooners

The Jeffersons

The Jetsons

The L Word

The Love Boat

The Magnificent Seven

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

The Monkees

The Munsters

The Office (US)

The Powerpuff Girls

The Pretender

The Real World

The Shield

The Simpsons

The Six Million Dollar Man

The Sopranos

The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

The Twilight Zone

The Waltons

The West Wing

The Wonder Years

The X-Files

Third Watch

Three’s Company

Twin Peaks

Twitch City

Unfabulous

Ugly Betty

Veronica Mars

Weeds

*Whose Line is it Anyway? (US)*

Whose Line is it Anyway? (UK)

Will and Grace

Wings

Xena: Warrior Princess

Top Five Rappers of All Time

2010-01-24T22:11:00.000-08:00

1. Eminem

2. Gipsy.cz

3. MC Solaar

4. Messy Stench

5. Damian Marley

Three Top Songs of All Time

2010-01-13T04:12:00.000-08:00

Notre Dame de Paris ~ Zingara

Renaud ~ Je Vis Caché

The Dresden Dolls ~ Half Jack

Avatar

2010-01-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

The other day, we went to see Avatar. Husband didn't enjoy it, for reasons detailed in his blog; I thought it was basically alright, but a bit... Pocahontas. The plotline can be entirely summed up by the following synopsis which is currently floating around the internet:

...and it was, as Husband pointed out, overly sentimental. It was worth seeing, however, purely for the graphical aspect. Frankly, there could have been no plotline at all and it probably still would have been worth watching. The design was beautiful, even if it did at times make me think I'd been on the mushrooms. I was grateful for the interspersion with the grey army base; otherwise I think the overload of bright colours might have gone to my head.

If you want to see it, I'd recommend 3D. I saw it in 'normal', and it was beautiful. I can only imagine that in 3D it would be absolutely breathtaking; and since the graphic design is the only reason to go and see it, it's worth getting as much as possible out of that particular aspect of the movie.